Old. Slow. Fat.

The holy trinity.
one I can do nothing about
one I don't care about
one I need to address

I am a life coach and yet I can't seem to coach myself into running.

I have tried but it's too hard, I'm too old, it doesn't do me any good even when I do run, I need new shoes and looser clothing so no one can see the wobble. Etc. I am really good at convincing myself I won't run.

And yet when I do get out there and I am the slowest, oldest, fattest person on the downs, it doesn't seem like a waste of time. It is good that I am out there, it doesn't matter that I have to force myself, that I don't push myself. Once the 3 miles ticks over I feel I have done enough and it's OK to want to stop.

3.18 miles
10m 29s per mile.

So slow - but I got out there.

It doesn't get any easier, but...

...apparently I broke the 10-minute mile pace.

Yay me, right!

It was awful -as usual - but I actually did it. I went round a flat route including the county ground, which probably helped the pace.

3.83 miles
9m 56 per mile.

Feel pleased that I did it.

I can't just  'go for a quick run' - I have to make such a palava of it - the kit, the sounds, the mapmyrun. I think I envy those people (let's face it, blokes) who just head out the door, run, quick shower and off they go. I have a beetroot face which takes the best part of an hour to subside (or trowled on makeup) and I will have to wash and dry my hair as well. So there is all that to factor into the 'quick run'.  Which is why the morning run works better for me.

Do I need new shoes? Would they really make any difference? Would I keep the old ones at work in case I feel moved to go for a 'quick run'? No, wait...

The greatest run ever

If I was to rate each run individually, with no reference to past runs, then this one would be right up there.

3.42 miles
10m 16s /mile

So what's so great about that? Well, I am feeling very negative about myself these days and I don't wholeheartedly believe that exercise can lift you out of it, so it's tough to get out of the door. The fact that I did get out of the door is already a win in my book.

I thought I would just go for a couple of miles, and when the mapmyrun lady told me I'd run that far I was about 50m from home - but I ran on; The trust is, I felt ashamed that I might accept giving up after just 2 miles. I know everything counts, but that seemed almost worse than not going out in the first place.

So I did another loop. It felt horrid. I am so heavy, both mentally and physically these days that it was an almighty struggle.

But I did it - I did over 3 miles, my various aches didn't stop me although I might suffer a bit tomorrow - but it all adds up.

As I keep trying to convince myself - EVERYTHING COUNTS.

Being kind to myself

3.25 miles
10m 22s per mile

The more observant among you, dear readers, will notice that this was a sluggish run this morning.

Why so leisurely? I'm not very fit and I am overweight.

But at least I went for a 'run', right?

Well, yes, but it kind of highlights why I find it so hard to get going. What puts me off is more than the physical exertion, the sticky kit, the reliance on listening to something and therefore having to carry the iPhone (although without that I wouldn't be able to gather these fascinating statistics...)

No - I had a little epiphany this morning: there is no reward for running. Ok it's a reward in itself, but it came to me that just finishing a run is not enough - there has to be a reward greater than the feeling of achievement and defiance of my age and various physical complaints.

When bf goes training, pump etc, there is the social side of it - going to the pub mainly - and that is a good thing. I just come home, peel off the sweaty layer and have a shower. Oh, and gush forth in this blog.

So what should I do to increase the reward for doing exercise - and that includes going to the gym which I can fit neatly into my morning routine and yet I habitually convince myself it's ok to skip it.

It can't be food, it has to be something I wouldn't normally do. Scrummy shower gel maybe. I may get myself some Neal's Yard shower gel as I love that stuff. Will it be enough? Too late for today obvs but perhaps, just perhaps, it might help.

It won't though will it.

And the 'being kind to yourself' title? Well, there is no point in running any faster. It makes me feel crap, my ankle's not the best yet and I don't want to risk going over on it again. And it feels more comfortable. Perhaps as I lose weight (watch this space) I will up the pace - but it will be an unconscious thing - I don't want - I don't feel the need - to do the 5 miles in 45 mins like I did a few years back - but if I get there it would be good.

Just getting out there is reward enough.

I didn't walk...

I ran
I tripped
I limped

Bother. I twisted my ankle back in March and still occasionally get a twinge but I thought it would be ok to run on. But I slipped on some dodgy grass and went down, twisting it again. God, it hurt. Luckily I wasn't too far from the car and I could limp back. It eased off a bit so I am hoping it's not too bad. It aches now. Also luckily, I didn't rip my Sweaty Bettys and skin my knee.

It was otherwise a nice run on the downs. I was tired and it felt like very hard work, and I was so tempted to walk - but I just slowed down a notch (so it was no faster than walking basically...) and felt quite pleased with myself. Then I went over and it all went tits up and I now feel ugly inside and out.

3.02 miles
10m50s average pace (I was walking for the last 1/2 mile...)
But the running miles weren't as bad as I feared - 10m 8secs or so - quite pleased with that as I was feeling so overweight and sluggish.

Exciting news*

*clickbait

I've left mapmyrun and have signed (possibly re-signed) with Strava. Unfollowed everyone I was following and cancelled requests to follow and deleted my 2 followers.

It's no one's damn business but my own!

Is that enough?

Well, I've finally gone for a run - the coaching mindset is still there of course but I have just been too lazy recently.
And I still can't get mapmyrun working. It's annoying but it's also a bit me-shaming, pointing out that I run like a sloth and don't get very far.
But.
But...
This morning I didn't want to go, but I went for a run. I didn't have the mapmyrun, but I went for a run. I knew it was going to be unpleasant, but I went for a run.
And that is good enough.
It's better than not running.
I listened to an old episode of 'Jeremy Hardy speaks to the nation' - he was such a razor-sharp comedian.
So - I don't know how far I went, I ran for about 35 mins, I didn't get injured and basically, I am starting the day on a bit of a better footing than I have recently as I notice my distant demons are closing in.

Coaching success

I did my favourite run along the front at Whitstable last weekend which was one of those post-wine, pre-carb ones - and it was as lovely as usual.

But a couple of days before I did a practice coaching session with one of my fellow Animas students and we talked about how I see myself as a runner even though I don't run very much. My take away from this session was to have been for a run before the next one. Which I did, so well done me.

Of course, I always feel more motivated to run when I'm in Whitstable but there was a far greater determination that morning. It's all too easy to make excuses and put it off but after this session, I knew it was entirely up to me, that the benefit is entirely mine, that excuses are trivial.

How long this will continue I don't know as I haven't run since, but I'd like to think that coaching is a help.

The mapmyrun app still isn't working which annoys me hugely

Here come the excuses

1. I twisted my ankle on a walk 3 weeks ago and it's still troubling me
2. Over-indulgence over Easter
3. mapmyrun not working
4. it was too warm
5. pulled muscle on my right side still kicking in - might be a gluteus medius thing... still looking into that... (disclaimer: not a physiotherapist)

well, I could go on but the overall outcome is that yes I did go for a run and it was quite horrible. The mapmyrun thing was annoying, nothing more - but it does change the mental aspect of going for a run in that I feel there is less incentive to do at least the same as the last one, that if there is no record of the run then I can get away with doing less. I am not cut out for this am I...

But I did run and it was awful, but not as bad as it might have been. And it was better for me than not going for a run. So that's good.

Recovery

Well, that was both a struggle and a relief.

I've been away for a week or so in a fantastic place in Pembrokeshire. So that, plus great weather meant lots of walks along the coastal path. And a twisted ankle. So, what with the pulled muscle from the ParkRun and the dodgy ankle, it was a bit of a gamble. But, apart from a twinge in my side and various insignificant foot and calf and ankle aches, it was OK. I felt pleased I'd made the effort. Pats self on back.

3.37 miles
10m 05s per mile

Park run #2

Also hip flexor strain. Possibly. Dr Google suggests it'll be that.

Anyway - the parkrun was possibly the hardest run I've done in a long while. It's the same route as the first one - with a killer hill in the middle. I was n't feeling the love tbh and it was a bit of a super-human effort to get out the door - but I had forgotten how tough the thing is so I assumed I would be ok and the bottle of wine I finished off last night wouldn't affect me. I think it did...
I don't know when the results will be out but I know I wasn't last. Bottom 1/4 probably. God how I struggled.
And the near the end my right hip started hurting. It's been a bit off before but today it's proper sore - even when I'm walking. I think I need to stretch more - the 'runners' stretch' is the one I'm looking at. I doubt it's anything worse than that. But it advises not to run on it. So, that's happened.

Anyway - I am glad I went for it - I don't know if I'd braved the frankly vile weather and gone off on my own if I hadn't made the decision to double my parkrun tally.

Well done me, anyway.

Stats!
A new PB: 30m 30s
305th out of 497 people
57.81% is age grade - don't know what that is
95 is gender position - 95th woman out of 217 - so above 1/2 way!

305

Kath FARNABY

30:30

VW50-54

57.81 %

F

95

New PB!

2

Why do I run?

I have been putting this off for 3 days now. this morning was my last chance before Thursday to go out as I can't force myself to go of an evening. So I put the kit out the night before. Good Plan.
Although I lay bed in for 2 hours after I woke - partly cos I knew the first thing I'd be doing was going for a run.

So I got dressed and hesitated, trying to remember some of the reasons I run:

To counteract depression
To keep relatively fit
Bragging rights over people who don't run.
It is part of the minimum amount of exercise any sane person should be doing if they can
Delaying the worst effects of ageing

And so on

But then those lovey reasons are so easily burned:
running counteracts depression only for the time I'm out running.
I am not fit and getting less fit as I get older - it gets increasingly hard to stay at the same level
Most people I know who run will run further and faster than me
It is really the minimum amount I need to be doing - most of the time I'm sat at a desk or on the sofa which is the new smoking apparently
Being overweight is the worst thing for running - and I have regained a stone over the last 2 years.

So before I even stepped out of the door, I was in tears wondering why the hell I was doing this - it's so pointless. Nothing I do counts for anything. I count for nothing.

How I got out he door I don't know - but I only got as far as the end of the road before I turned around and came back. I was in a crisis - what was I doing? What is the point of my meaningless life? Everything - just plain old living - has become such a burden recently.

It was the hardest thing I've done to turn around and go for the run. Perhaps the feeling of abject failure kept my little fat legs in motion. For about 40 mins. Which is OK.

Did it cure the depression? It got me through that mini-crisis I guess.

But I"m now back home; same old me, same old ugly face in the mirror now with added blotchy redness.

It's not a good day.

Is it just me?

Or are the hills actually getting steeper? I did the run around St Werbergh's farm and found I ran out of strength heading up the railway path. I had to walk, it was horrible. I felt like I was just a bag of flab. Not a nice image. I did get going again though and decided I wasn't going to do the full run along Kellaway Avenue, and I think I did ok after that. I went over 3 episodes of the Book at Bedtime (Orlando by Virginia Woolf - I'm enjoying it) so that's 45 mins. (it wasn't)

And I am very glad I did put myself through it

The reasons/excuses - I am still overweight - I lost a couple of pounds but have eaten like an idiot since and had the best part of a bottle of wine last night - so that's the immediate reason. So I simply have to stop doing that and running will no longer be quite such an ordeal.

My toenail is almost off. That will be a relief cos I keep worrying it might rip. Another image hard to unsee...

3.8 miles
10m 41 pace.

Not exactly inspiring - or looking at it another way - well done me for dragging my carcass out for a run despite everything

The First Step

The first step is the hardest, right, but what if there is another way of looking at it? The first step is a huge achievement - a triumph, if you will, over inertia, over doubt, over laziness.
It's ticking off the first little thing on your to-do list: this morning it was to charge my Kindle.
It's taking the literal first step out the door for a run.
It's having the healthy option, passing on the pudding - the first step towards losing the next lb.

So I went for a run: the first step along today's road of self-improvement.

And the first step is the action, which we all know, leads to motivation.

Today's run: on one hand it was terrible - on the other, it was a triumph.
It's been snowy and what's left is icy patches, quite lethal in places but there's space to jog along the road or the sunny side of the street. It meant running very slowly and carefully. Also, I am so overweight again I was struggling: at the 1/2 way mark I have to slow down - but there's nothing wrong with that. I have to fight the compulsion to compare myself with other people (positively as well as negatively - we are all separate beings, there is no fair comparison)
On the triumphant side; I went for a run; I slowed down in order to keep going and I felt a lot better at that point (it was the first step along the path of finishing a run); the weather is glorious and sunshine is a powerful boost to my mood. Ok, my eyes and nose were running which was a bit annoying but it was very minor.

4.68 miles (far far further than I thought I ran - another triumph, thank you)
10m 45s pace - the slowest for a long, long time - a combination of carrying too much weight and tiptoeing around the ice sheets...

That first 2 minutes...

That's what proper runners must feel like all the time - light, swift, invincible. It doesn't last long and by the time I was getting close to home I was feeling like a sack of spuds.

But I went. I had to get out there and do it before I got sucked into doing anything else like washing up, morning pages, anything. And that's how I used to do it, in the far off days of training for the 1/2 marathon: up at 6am, do 7 miles and back in time for breakfast and the day ahead. I was so much lighter and fitter - and younger - then.  But I was also heel-striking and since I altered to mid-foot I've had 2 stress fractures and haven't run much over 5 miles.

I've also been getting knee pain and I really hope it's not through running. It's likely to be an age thing, coupled with a lack of strength in the relevant muscles, but more likely to be stiffness. I will try some quad stretches for a while and if that doesn't work then back to the osteopath or else the Moti man (although that's for real runners...)

4.86 miles
10m 26s

I would like to get back under 10-minute miles - that will require weight loss more than anything else...

awesome

4.86 miles
10m 18s per mile

So what's so awesome? I mean, my calf muscles are aching and that's going to last for a few days; my throat feels like sandpaper; my cough has been triggered - dry, hacking, unpleasant and irritating to everyone. And it turns out I was wearing my vest inside out (under a top tho so no biggie) And I wallopped my elbow. And my blackened toenail (from running) was a bit hurty - I think it's due to fall off very soon)

But - I went for a run despite everything and it didn't feel like A Big Deal. In fact, once I got up to the downs and got my breath back from the hill climb, I felt like I could keep going a bit longer - I wasn't going to risk the calves though as that's a bit too much. But I feel good for going and that's enough.

bloody hell and a happy new year...

Is it really 4 weeks since my last run? At least that long. Since then has been Christmas, New Year and the worst cold/sore throat/chest infection combo I have ever had. And it took a superhuman effort to go out today. I knew if I didn't it would be at least Friday before I went for one - and there was nothing actually stopping me today.

It was touch and go whether I was going to go (really building this up now...) I woke up, like I have done for the last 3 weeks, with a lung full of cack to cough up so I didn't want to go first thing. Which meant running after lunch - not something I ever do - so well done me, right.

It was horrible. I gave me a good talking to before I left - about how much good it will do me, psychologically as well as physically and how it's part of how I define myself, all that guff - and I was only ever going to do a short one. So with all that in mind off I went.

God, it was hard work.

3.82 miles
10m 26s

And now I'm coughing up pints of the green stuff - I guess it's been loosened and it will hasten my recovery.

Uphill struggle

Quite literally: I was struggling on the hills this morning. I'm blaming it on having 2 halves of 'Double Standard' last night at The Urban. (That means something to me, I'm not going to explain it) It was my birthday so we went out for a fish pie (I know how to celebrate) and the beer came with it. And I didn't even have fish pie (always rebellious) - I had moules frites and smoked mackerel pate which had added horseradish - something I will add to my own in future.

So, that's a lot of nothing before I start on about this morning's run.

It felt very tough: I know I am carrying a lot of extra weight which doesn't help - in fact, it's the single thing which makes running such a challenge. But now I have got my birthday out the way I am going to turn things around health-wise. I know I keep saying it - but until it becomes ingrained into my every waking thought and I believe, not only that I can do it, but that the pain will be worth it - I am setting out to fail
Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels: it's a dangerous concent for anyone who might have an eating disorder - but it is the truth as far as motivation for weight-loss is concerned.

4.7 miles
10m 16s pace

short and wet

'Oh, it's OK', I thought 'I will run in this light rain'. And so, I did and it was fine: the hairband kept the worst of the rain out my eyes and the earbuds lasted until the last 10 mins or so (spoiler: I have just left Helen and Freddie about to be eaten by pigs - Tracks, final part)

So mostly good. But I hadn't considered my poor phone. I hope it was OK stuffed up my sleeve, not too damp up there.

It worked enough to record my stats - which are both good and bad. Bad because I only ran 3.29 miles but good because I ran them in 9m 50 a mile.
So, I'm taking that as a win.

I read about a revolutionary face washing product yesterday - a cloth that cleans your skin, taking off all makeup, even waterproof mascara (a bold claim and one which rarely delivers in my experience) and it was only about $20 - as in, only available in the US. But I read down a bit and it turns out it's a microfibre cloth - just like the 5 I got for £3.50 the other day. So I tried it and it actually works. Who'd have thought? A second win. My life has taken an upturn and I can better tackle the weight and alcohol issues which threaten to take me down.

Tinnitus

One of the main vexations of running is how loud my tinnitus seems when I get home. Is it because I've had headphones on or just raised blood pressure? Is it actually getting worse and I should go and have another scan? I wish there was a cure.

It took ages to get out the door this morning - not because, well, running - but I've added even more stuff to my running kit: there is now a headband which I've had for ages and makes me look like a nit, but keeps my ears warm and hides the worst of my hair - and I found a little clip for my headphones which stops them moving around my neck. (Not in a strangly way, they just wander)

But I did run and it was OK.

4.80 miles
10m 16s pace. (but I did do one mile in 9m 41 - pretty bloody good for me these days...*

*I've just worked out that the 9m 41s referred to the last mile which wasn't a full mile - it was the 0.8 of the 4.8 miles. Prawn.