The Missing Cryptoqueen

I've been obsessed with The Missing Cryptoqueen -  a BBC podcast about a cryptocurrency which isn't what it seems, the woman who set it up and the consequences for everyone involved. It's just so engaging, perfect for a run. Recommended.

Advert over.

I definitely need new shoes. I thought it was the way I was running which made my feet thud so heavily - but there is almost no padding left on the soles of my trusty old Asics. I bought them on 10th June 2016 so they've done OK. POssibly not done all that many miles and the mapmyrun doesn't do a running total. (see what I did there...)

On the upside, it's made me even more aware of how I'm running and I've been consciously using more spring from my arches and engaging my hamstrings more. I sound like an elite athlete. I don't look like one.

I reckon I've found a pretty good 5km route which is largely off-road/pavement and which I can extend if the mood takes me.

5.27km
34m 56s
6m 37 per km

There be dragons

Well, mainly fox poo tbh.
I ran down some of the new paths I've discovered while on my lockdown walks. Turns out there's quite a few of them round these parts. Far more interesting than house-lined roads. But a lot of fox poo to dodge.

5.51km - forgot to turn the sound on so I wasn't getting km markers but that's ok - I'd walked most of it anyway.
11.2 mins/km walking
6.36 km/m running
At least I'm faster at running

Also I felt a lot better than I have done recently - perhaps not drinking anything for a couple of days has helped. It's too easy to open a bottle at lunchtime (no kidding) and then finish it by bedtime. No one around to judge.

I've decided one of my lockdown pastimes will be to map all these little paths and cut-throughs. It's a thought. And I will mark where all the dragons live...

Well, that just happened

So I hauled myself out for a run with a new insight: as well as putting my kit out ready I should prepare my playlist the night before. I take an age to put it together even though it's usually only a podcast or play. (With a backup music playlist in case it all goes horribly wrong)

This morning was Detective Trapp which was interesting enough to listen all the way through the first part.

Perhaps a little too interesting...

I decided to go the other direction once I got to Horfield Common and pick up an old route through Henleaze (one of the dullest areas of Bristol) But I made the mistake of heading down an unfamiliar road and ended up god knows where. All the roads look the same round there. I have little sense of direction at the best of times and I really didn't know which way I should be going. Thank heavens for google maps. Turns out the road I was thinking of taking was basically totally the wrong direction.

6.52 km
6m 42s / km so very slow

Thoughts: I think I could have got to 10k if there weren't any hills (too many killer hills round here but at least I didn't walk up them...) And my left Achilles is aching. Is there something I can do to stop that happening? I think I need to land more centrally on my forefoot and bounce off my arches - something I've always been bad at. Current body part I'd like to exchange: feet.

Another 5k

Well, get me very much. Although I haven’t quite achieved the 3x5k a week I thought I was going to aim for. But I indeed ran further than 5km (not much over but there you go)

33m27s
5.18km, 6m27s per km - so ever so slightly faster  than the last one - and faster than the park run at Eastville park - which shows how bad I am on hills

I listened to a BBC podcast about Thomas Middleton who was a playwright contemporary of Shakespeare but wrote far darker plays and better parts for women - good on him. And then I listened to a Radio 1 workout playlist which was OK - listening to music is a different experience, more contemplative than speech. Not sure how I liked it - perhaps getting the perfect track is hard to find.

Rugly: a portmanteau of running + ugly. About 1/2 way round I realised my hoodie had come unzipped and I know that meant my belly was being framed and not in a flattering way. I know these kinds of things shouldn't concern me - but they do. As does how my face looks: I have to accept the redness (in a way it is OK as it just means I'm exerting myself) but it's the rest of my face which is troubling. I'm getting old and my jowls are becoming increasingly prominent and ageing. And I'm thick around the middle - a symptom of middle-age spread as well as being overweight again. And just everything really. I see other people out running and they are young and slim and tall and fast; I'm not one of them, I'm a slowcoach. Philosophically I have to accept the body I have and be grateful I can still run even if it's a bit crap.

It’s the Queen’s speech this evening. It’s an odd feeling - nice to know she’s there but she’s hardly in the same situation as the rest of us, but I guess she’s quite good at saying the right thing in the circumstances.

I’m writing this on my iPad with the fancy keyboard cover which I splashed out on for my travels. That’s not going to happen now. I 'm even thinking about taking some unpaid leave next year and try again. I think even if travel is allowed this June/July there will be nothing to travel to. Or perhaps they will all be so desperate for people to spend money I'd be welcomed with open arms.

But no that’s not how this is going to pan out is it.

The right thing to do

I've moved onto kilometres - with the idea that I will do a 5k run 3 times a week for the duration of the lockdown. 5K is a little bit further than I thought.

Today then:
5.92 km
6.38m/km (no idea how that works 0.38 of a minute or 38s? doesn't matter) (It's 10.26 mins/mile)

The plan, such that it is, is to get into the running again. And find out of the elusive runners' high actually exists for me. There are so many examples of people saying running helps their mental health - that any form of exercise is beneficial. I mean - of course it's beneficial, we're not designed to loaf around all day (even though that's kind of what's going to get us through this)

And so I will endeavour to do this 5k thing.

What helped enormously this morning was having had just 1/2 glass red last night (which is practically tea-total compared with my recent intake). Being a borderline alcoholic (but if I see myself as a borderline alcoholic probably means I am quite a long way down the line) it's not a good place to be. It's hard though - this isolation, these uncertain, unknowable times makes the usual; rules feel unnecessary, that any form of personal restrictions feel pointless: if there is no one to judge you why should you care about what you do? But is that the attitude of someone who believes other people's opinions are more important than their own.

There are many opportunities to get to know ourselves better during there uncertain, unknowable times.

Stay safe

covid19

What the hell is happening?

This is day 1 of the lockdown and I have already taken advantage of my single allowable excursion into the fresh air for daily exercise. So basically it takes a national emergency for me to get out for a run?

And it's kind of given me a dry cough (but I often get that after a run - must be the fresh air)

It's been a lovely few days weather-wise which is a kind of salve for the upheaval we're all experiencing. And in truth - to get out into the fresh air and drag some air into my lungs felt like a very good thing to be doing.

But omg was it a struggle. I have put on some of the weight I lost last year (about 1/2 of it, 5lbs in truth) and I've been knocking back the wine (no one can judge you when you're on a solo lockdown...)
So all that made it a struggle:
2.54 miles
10m 43s a mile.
I mean - that is the worst run I've done in terms of distance and speed for a very long time. But I did do a different route around the back lanes so it was at least interesting.

Now is the time to decide if I'm going to make running my thing. It makes perfect sense at the moment to up my frequency and distance over the next few weeks. There is no reason not to.

One extra note - this morning I did a yoga flow before I ran - only 1/4 of an hour - and it really did energise me. That's the sort of claim which I would normally snoot at but I can recommend doing it. Whether I will do it daily is another matter - but I did the yoga and the run after a bottle of wine last night and now I feel epic. (Doesn't take much, right)

A regular run

Regular, as in, once a month, that is...

But out I went. I even checked the rain forecast as it's been raining non-stop for days. And it started spitting about a mile in and I seriously thought about heading back. Such a wimp. And yet when it stopped, I was OK about continuing with the run, it felt like it was a good thing to be doing right then, yet again proving the truism that getting out there is the hardest part.

So here it is:
4.55 miles
11mins average pace.

I have no idea why it was so desperately slow today. I had to wait to cross the road a couple of times and I didn't exactly sprint up the hills and I am back on the intermittent fasting so I'm peckish - but still...

But I am so very glad I went for a run.

First run of the decade!

It was OK. At times I was wondering why I make such a fuss about it. OK, I was a little out of breath but while the joints and muscles and connective tissue weren't actually hurting, it was OK.

Slow, though

4.8 miles
10m 29s a mile.

There were hills involved

And a hurty knee

Thought processes: keep your elbows in and allow your knees to drive the motion. Worked well until I did something my right knee didn't like. It was a worry, but it settled down again mostly.

NATs
I look pretty bloody ugly when I run - red face, chin jutting forward, hair just a fright, arse wobbling etc etc
Bits of me are going to hurt
There is no point - I'm too old to get any benefit and I am impressing no one.

PETs
I look bloody good for my age
Looking ugly is temporary and no one is looking anyway
I don't hurt all the time
Occasionally - just occasionally - I feel the mindfulness of running

I would love to have a running track through a forest or along a coast (a flat one) but I have to accept the wild streets of Bishopston are perfectly good for day to day. If I go away in the Spring I can find some new places to tackle.

Note to self - never run during school delivery time. I hate the way they believe no one else has any right to use the pavement, that perhaps they aren't the centre of everyone else's universe. I mean, just pushing the pram onto the path just as I was getting there - do they never fucking look where they're going? It's the sense of entitlement which winds me up.
Just saying

last run of the decade!

Well, I do feel virtuous! I don't know if it was purely so I could say I ran on the last day of the decade which motivated me to get out there this morning, but out there I very much went.

Looking back through the blog I did a run on the 3rd January 2010 so it's almost a perfect 'first and last' achievement... and back then I was wrestling with the Nike+   gadget whereas now it's all mapmyrun, parkrun and Zombies Run!

3.62 miles
10m 29s a mile

It feels like the same old struggle every time I go out. I know it's good to get out there and I need to keep fit as I get old - but where is the endorphin rush? The feeling of freedom and adventure? Or am I expecting ever so slightly too much?

First mid-50s run

3.61 miles
10m 12s per mile

Well, that was a challenge. When the lady told me my first mile was 10m 57s I almost gave up...  but that's just a distraction.

The important thing is I kept going - despite the rather knackered running shoes and my seeming inability to stop thumping into my toes (perhaps just tie the shoes a little more firmly???) I did over 3 1/2 miles!

Nothing particularly going through my head other than whether I should get some new shoes - and if so, should I get the same ones online or go to Moti and get some fitted and new and possibly far more expensive... seems like a no-brainer. I know for a fact that getting shiny new kit won't encourage me to run - that kind of motivation comes from my internal monologue.

So - wishing everyone who celebrates Christmas a happy one and to everyone, a happy and healthy new year.

Cold and frosty - what was I thinking?

Well, I went for a run and it was indeed cold and frosty - and it felt really good. I was concerned about my left foot which felt a bit stress fracture-y but it's OK. Both my knees were a bit peaky and my hips got a bit stiff. But all in all, it was OK.

Underwhelming in terms of a run but how amazingly amazing am I for getting out there?

I definitely need new running shoes - I am thumping down, no spring at all. But is that more to do with my arches? Surely the mid-strike concept is that you don't need the padding cos all the spring comes from your feet? Not an expert.

Didn't start the app so I don't really know how far etc - about 40 mins I reckon so that's acceptable.

The little icon at the bottom of this page is telling me this is
formal 4/5
forceful 2/5
compliant 1/5
I have no idea what I'm supposed to do about this.

PS just amended the text a bit and the scores have all changed. I know what to do with this: ignore.

jog on

I've been battling depression, anxiety, the usual modern afflictions recently and it felt even tougher than usual getting out there. Am I glad I did? I guess so. I still don't understand people who can go for a run 'to clear their head' or 'because I need to' or even (these are weirdos) 'because I love it'

I was slow - but that's OK. It was hard going - and I don't have the excuse of excess weight (there's still a bit of a wobble, but less - I've lost about 8lbs so far) It's simply because I'm less fit than I was. I still cycle to work, go to the gym about twice a week and do planks most days - but the running/aerobic fitness is passing me by.

But I have been out there, feeling like I need new shoes - I last got some in 2016. I know I haven't done many miles on them but they are designed to deteriorate over time and I do feel like there is no bounce left. If I spend £80+ on new ones I have to promise myself that I will use them, that my part-time hours mean I can run every week, rather than once a month... And perhaps the more I do the better it will make me feel and I can keep running until my bones crumble.  You do see old people running and I guess it does them good...

3.9 miles
10m 26s

Jowl Express

So having been banging on about how being overweight is making running that must more of an effort - I tried it this morning having lost 6lbs (I know, well done me) and frankly it didn't make that much difference. But that doesn't mean I'm off to the pie shop. I'm sticking with the Adlerian approach to intermittent fasting.

3.97 miles
10m 07s
I did do one of the miles in under 10 mins so, that, really

So, the title of this run's post. I'm getting on a bit and all those features of my parents that I associate with them being one generation older than me are turning up on my own features now - the eye bags, the drooping eyelids - and the jowls. It's a genetic thing from one side of the fam - and I am not happy about it but I have the serenity to accept it. Up to a point. You see, running makes my face look as old as it could ever look as it is now: I curl my lips over my teeth so they look like witchy lines and my grimace draws my jowls down - and then there's the double chin wattling away.  You spend £s on a nice running bra so your boobs are comfy - but what about a chin hammock to stop the wobble and support the slack?

So running makes you look old on the outside but keeps you young on the inside. Discuss.

Adlerian Task

the courage to be disliked

Adlerian philosophy, as I see it, is a way of removing all values, emotions, judgement from a task. This way I can look at going for a run as simply a thing I am doing. It doesn't prevent me from doing something else, like going for coffee or reupholstering the dining chairs (that is a thing) - it's the thing I am doing until I stop doing it.
It's simple and it's helping me in all sorts of ways. not in every way but I think it's reducing stress by eliminating a large part of the decision-making process. 

So that got me out the door.

I am not pushing myself very hard - I am still too fat for that - but I am content that I am out there doing something which is good for me. My achilles might disagree but they can be quiet.

3.36 miles
10m 13"
Slow, but it's still exercise

First: wow. Then: wait, what?

So nbd I went out for a run thinking it would just be 30 mins or so. And it was ok. Stayed on the flat to start with, managed over 4miles (well done me)

But after 8 mins or so, the lady told me I'd run a mile. I mean - what? Surely there was something awry with the app. And the following miles were as normal.

But now I"m back and looking at the splits - it's somehow true:
mile 1: 8m 30
mile 2: 10m 22
mile 3: 10m17

average 9m 47

So I'm happy with that - and utterly perplexed about the first mile.
Theories - I have lost a few lbs (about 4 so far) and I haven't drunk any alcohol for 3 and a half weeks.

On a physical note - none of the usual aches and pains (less weight to lug around maybe). Also, I'm going to concentrate more on my mid-footedness - I have flat feet, I spent a lot of my life walking on the outside edge of my feet (which has led to a number of twisted ankles) but I can feel how much better it is when I land on the balls of my feet and stretch my arches, so I'm going to try and keep that up - it's a habit I need to change

Anyway, that was today's adventure.

Old. Slow. Fat.

The holy trinity.
one I can do nothing about
one I don't care about
one I need to address

I am a life coach and yet I can't seem to coach myself into running.

I have tried but it's too hard, I'm too old, it doesn't do me any good even when I do run, I need new shoes and looser clothing so no one can see the wobble. Etc. I am really good at convincing myself I won't run.

And yet when I do get out there and I am the slowest, oldest, fattest person on the downs, it doesn't seem like a waste of time. It is good that I am out there, it doesn't matter that I have to force myself, that I don't push myself. Once the 3 miles ticks over I feel I have done enough and it's OK to want to stop.

3.18 miles
10m 29s per mile.

So slow - but I got out there.

It doesn't get any easier, but...

...apparently I broke the 10-minute mile pace.

Yay me, right!

It was awful -as usual - but I actually did it. I went round a flat route including the county ground, which probably helped the pace.

3.83 miles
9m 56 per mile.

Feel pleased that I did it.

I can't just  'go for a quick run' - I have to make such a palava of it - the kit, the sounds, the mapmyrun. I think I envy those people (let's face it, blokes) who just head out the door, run, quick shower and off they go. I have a beetroot face which takes the best part of an hour to subside (or trowled on makeup) and I will have to wash and dry my hair as well. So there is all that to factor into the 'quick run'.  Which is why the morning run works better for me.

Do I need new shoes? Would they really make any difference? Would I keep the old ones at work in case I feel moved to go for a 'quick run'? No, wait...

The greatest run ever

If I was to rate each run individually, with no reference to past runs, then this one would be right up there.

3.42 miles
10m 16s /mile

So what's so great about that? Well, I am feeling very negative about myself these days and I don't wholeheartedly believe that exercise can lift you out of it, so it's tough to get out of the door. The fact that I did get out of the door is already a win in my book.

I thought I would just go for a couple of miles, and when the mapmyrun lady told me I'd run that far I was about 50m from home - but I ran on; The trust is, I felt ashamed that I might accept giving up after just 2 miles. I know everything counts, but that seemed almost worse than not going out in the first place.

So I did another loop. It felt horrid. I am so heavy, both mentally and physically these days that it was an almighty struggle.

But I did it - I did over 3 miles, my various aches didn't stop me although I might suffer a bit tomorrow - but it all adds up.

As I keep trying to convince myself - EVERYTHING COUNTS.

Being kind to myself

3.25 miles
10m 22s per mile

The more observant among you, dear readers, will notice that this was a sluggish run this morning.

Why so leisurely? I'm not very fit and I am overweight.

But at least I went for a 'run', right?

Well, yes, but it kind of highlights why I find it so hard to get going. What puts me off is more than the physical exertion, the sticky kit, the reliance on listening to something and therefore having to carry the iPhone (although without that I wouldn't be able to gather these fascinating statistics...)

No - I had a little epiphany this morning: there is no reward for running. Ok it's a reward in itself, but it came to me that just finishing a run is not enough - there has to be a reward greater than the feeling of achievement and defiance of my age and various physical complaints.

When bf goes training, pump etc, there is the social side of it - going to the pub mainly - and that is a good thing. I just come home, peel off the sweaty layer and have a shower. Oh, and gush forth in this blog.

So what should I do to increase the reward for doing exercise - and that includes going to the gym which I can fit neatly into my morning routine and yet I habitually convince myself it's ok to skip it.

It can't be food, it has to be something I wouldn't normally do. Scrummy shower gel maybe. I may get myself some Neal's Yard shower gel as I love that stuff. Will it be enough? Too late for today obvs but perhaps, just perhaps, it might help.

It won't though will it.

And the 'being kind to yourself' title? Well, there is no point in running any faster. It makes me feel crap, my ankle's not the best yet and I don't want to risk going over on it again. And it feels more comfortable. Perhaps as I lose weight (watch this space) I will up the pace - but it will be an unconscious thing - I don't want - I don't feel the need - to do the 5 miles in 45 mins like I did a few years back - but if I get there it would be good.

Just getting out there is reward enough.

I didn't walk...

I ran
I tripped
I limped

Bother. I twisted my ankle back in March and still occasionally get a twinge but I thought it would be ok to run on. But I slipped on some dodgy grass and went down, twisting it again. God, it hurt. Luckily I wasn't too far from the car and I could limp back. It eased off a bit so I am hoping it's not too bad. It aches now. Also luckily, I didn't rip my Sweaty Bettys and skin my knee.

It was otherwise a nice run on the downs. I was tired and it felt like very hard work, and I was so tempted to walk - but I just slowed down a notch (so it was no faster than walking basically...) and felt quite pleased with myself. Then I went over and it all went tits up and I now feel ugly inside and out.

3.02 miles
10m50s average pace (I was walking for the last 1/2 mile...)
But the running miles weren't as bad as I feared - 10m 8secs or so - quite pleased with that as I was feeling so overweight and sluggish.