Motivation Follows Action

Literally this is the first run I've done since the last one.

1.97km

6m 55s per km

Going by the numbers, almost embarrassingly insignificant: going by my actually going out and doing it - a massive triumph, thank you. Well done me.

There were no significant hurties either - unless you count my screaming lungs while running up a gentle slope. I'm basically unfit, but by building up on these short runs that will change. I felt I could have gone further towards the end (on the flat) but in my head, I'd mapped the run and therefore I was at the end. That's another thing your mindset can do. I don't take actual pleasure in running (wish I did) but it's like a class, when you know it's coming to an end there isn't the uncomfortable option of taking it further. 

So, there it is. When I start doing 5km 3 times a week will I continue reviewing them? 

Perhaps I will just wait and see...

listened to: BBC Radio 6 Music

Jury's out...

 But I did get out there, go for a run, and am not in pain... 

I set myself a short circuit and managed to exceed it by, oh, 50m so well done me 

What I discovered: I am carrying too much weight for my muscles to cope with. I am unfit even though I've been walking or doing a class almost every day for the past couple of years, since lockdown, but obviously it's not enough to really keep fit (if I define being fit as being able to run for 5 km without dying...) 

2.36km

7m 10 per km. 

So, very slow and very short - but ffs I am coming from a position of being overweight, unfit, slightly depressed etc etc. The actual important thing here is to keep going, to keep motivated. Keep strengthening calves and loosening my Achilles. 

If I have something to aim for, would that actually help or would I see it as a failure if I don't actually achieve this? And if I do - what then? After the 1/2 marathon I kind of retired cos I didn't need to do it again. 

Psychology is the greatest weapon 

Who knew?

 Everyone apparently... 

This morning I had a severe case of anxiety. It happens from time to time and it's horrible. I find it very hard to get over - my usual distraction techniques weren't working and the stress was rising... But I had a Body Balance session booked and although I really did not want to go (it makes me very angry for all sorts of reasons) I did drag myself up there and did the session. It was fine. There was no anger because I kind of knew what was going on and I didn't need to rely on the indecipherable instructions quite so much. 

So that was a positive. But then I went on the treadmill. I'd promised I would give it a go, just a mile, just to see if my Achilles were up to it. The Body Balance class concentrates on stretching as much as anything so I reckoned that should be an excellent warm-up for a run. 

It was. I did a whopping 1.6 km and felt unfit, but no aching Achilles. Yay. My right foot was aching but I think that's due to it being badly used what with the big toe issue. 

So what is it that everyone knows? That exercise is a brilliant antidote to stress and anxiety. I think I did know that but lacked the gumption to make it happen for me. That's what's good about booking classes: you get fined £4 if you don't turn up. 

So that's my news. Nothing exciting, or game-changing. Apart from the possibility that I may - just may - be able to pick up the running again.

World record

 It was officially the shortest run ever undertaken in the history of (m) short runs. 

The context: I'd booked a class at the leisure centre but got the time wrong so I missed it. I could have cycled around the downs instead, but I decided to go for a short run. Just to see how I got on. I've been having serious issues with my big toe joint (hallux rigidus) where the bony growths are becoming an excruciatingly painful nuisance. Gross, I know. And I think that's what's been making my Achilles ache even without running. So going for a run was a bit of a risk.

But - the main issue was how unfit I've got. I was out of breath, feeling like I was made of lead before I got to the end of the road. 

But I continued on my record-breaking short run 

1.14km

6m 55s per km

So well done me, right

There is a thought in my head that I could do this run every day to build up to something a bit more worthwhile. The cons are the risks with my Achilles - the pros, however, are that I could build up to a 5k regular run.... Or a 10-minute run... 

angry and disappointed

 3.48km 

7m 8s per km

That was the first bit of the run. I stopped to stretch my right Achilles and managed to stop the mapmyrun thing. But my flipping Achilles. I am so angry and disappointed. It's not hurting too much but there is an issue with it - very low down which might be a different place from before. Don't know if that is significant. But it's there and it's something that will stop me running.

How long can I keep up this misguided belief that at some level I can run? Almost every time I go out there is an issue. I have to get over my body-consciousness issues to even get me out of the door, which is an incentive to keep me running rather than giving up and walking and looking like an even greater loser. An overweight, middle-aged, delusional loser.

So I started the app again and mostly walked home, at times running normally on my left leg and heel-striking on my right to protect my Achilles. What was that about not wanting to look like a loser?

1.41km

8m 48 per km

What do I do? 

Peaked too soon?

So - I was confident setting out this morning and it was mostly fine. Until about a mile from home, my left calf began to ache. It's pretty much ok - but it's one of those niggles which make me wary of running. I'll stretch and strengthen the thing and hopefully next time it won't hurt.

I tried on my Nike shorts this morning and wondered whatever possessed me to buy them - they are so ugly - or is that just my legs?

Otherwise, unremarkable. But in truth the less drama the better... 

Listening to American Scandal about the unabomber. 

4.98km

6m 52s per km.

Slower - but I went very slowly after about 1/2 way, just cos I was a little hungover and not very fit...

Better

Well, there I went. It was mostly OK but the urge to walk was (almost) overwhelming. I did slow down to a barely-a-jog pace - but oddly I was about to walk when I saw another runner coming towards me and that was enough for me to keep going. So, thank you, mystery jogger.

Consequences: tinnitus - this happens when I do exercise. It's horrible and there is nothing I can do about it.

Knees - perfectly fine

Calves and Achilles - perfectly fine

Lungs - a-bursting

Legs - tired but functional

Lessons learned - I reckon the problems I've had have come from lack of glute and hamstring strength - but also because I run without using my core. So - if I run with my core engaged, everything feels a whole lot better. So, I'll do that. It's harder work though. Get over it. 

4.66km

6min 38secs per km

I am staggered by that pace. The last time I went it was 7min 05" and before that 6 min 58. So - is this actual proof that I can do this? Could I ever get to 5km without keeling over? I shall have to find another 1/2 km to add on and go for it.

The other route through the allotments (much hillier) is about the same distance - going around the downs is over 6km but I have to cycle up there. Or drive. But I don't have a car. I'm getting ahead of myself. 

I didn't walk

 4.21 km

7m 05s/km

Well, I got out there and I didn't walk at all, which is good. However, my left calf is quite painful. I guess it's an overwork thing rather than anything nasty but it's annoyed me greatly as I really hoped I could get over myself and back into regular running. My feet also hurt - possibly because I tied my shoes too tight, I don't know - and it might be a while before I can try them again. 

So, some rollering, perhaps paracetamol and hopefully it will just be passing a pain.

At least my knees are more or less cured - the rolling prescribed by the osteopath has done the trick. There is an occasional twinge but really the agonising pain causing me to groan, to crawl upstairs is pretty much gone. Yay!

Gregorian Chant

It's been a long time coming - but it's done! 

I've been rollering my knees, guided by my lovely osteopath Mala - and they don't hurt anymore. I can go up and down stairs without wincing, without launching myself from the top, without seriously wondering if they need replacing. It's agony, rollering. The sweet spots are where it hurts the most and you go to town on them. But it works. One thing which has been instrumental to getting them in such a bad state had been the 1000s of miles of cycling like a girl. I mean, as a woman you want to cycle with your knees as close as possible, not flying out to the side like a bloke. But it stresses your knees. So now I cycle like a bloke. Eesh. 

Anyway, though - my right knee did hurt - I think I over-extended and caused a twinge which is still there now I've stopped, but it's a different pain so I think it will be OK. I will roll it in a mo. 

My calves were a bit hurty as well but just through tiredness, I think. And no Achilles drama.

I literally have no excuses left anymore.

4.36 km

6 min 58" per km

Very slow - but I don't care. There were a couple of times I was desperate to walk but I just ran at the speed of walking so I could say I ran the whole way round. It's all in the mind, right? 

And the title? They (whoever they are) say to run at the speed of chat. I was running at the speed of a gregorian chant. 

Punishment run

Sounds a bit melodramatic I know, but I've been in such a bad place recently. Overeating, too much wine, too little exercise and so on. I've put on weight and I feel weak and, frankly, old. 

So this morning I was working out if I should go for my traditional walk, or walk into work later, when my sensible brain kicked and made me go for a run, no excuses. 

And so out I popped and ran.

There was a time just over 1/2 way through, after all the hills had been conquered (they're very gentle hills but feel like mountains, what with the extra weight I'm carrying and the lack of puff) when I needed to walk. My lungs were straining, even if my legs felt OK. But I told myself it was punishment, that it wouldn't last forever, that I'd feel so very good for having run all the want. And I was right. It was awful.

4.42km

6m 48 per km

It's been a long time coming

It's a psychological thing in many ways. Because I haven't been for a run for a long time, I assume it will be horrible and that I'll suffer. Well of course it was, up to a point, but not as bad as I feared. And it's that fear which makes me put it off.

It's a beautiful morning - I mean, proper blue sky and birds singing, daffodils about to flower. All good. 

So where was the pain? Knees - no pain. Hips - a twinge at the end, no more. Calves - springy and strong. Achilles - doing their job. Feet - well they ached a lot. I guess they haven't been put to such use for such a long time.

It feels like all my recent efforts have been paying off. I've been rollering my inner and outer thighs which I think is helping my knees. Plus I periodically stretch and strengthen my calves and I believe that's helped my achilles. 

But hey - I feel triumphant. The danger is that now I've done a run I will treat the effects as permanent and I won't have to keep the benefit topped up. 

I did the route I normally do on my walks so there was a lot of uphill at the start but even that was more ok than I had thought it would be.

So, suffice it to say, I feel good about it and am self-aware enough to know I have to keep going if I am going to get any long-term benefit and to tell people I am a runner... 

4.1m

6m 57 per km

Over 5k for the first time in months!!

So - it's over a month since the last run and I've had a birthday since then. And I don't know what prompted me this morning - but I am glad I did. 

I've been doing exercise classes through Everyone Active over the last few weeks and maybe, just maybe, it's beginning to have an effect. Anyways,  I went out and did my first over 5km run since 27th Jan so well done me. The worst bit was towards the end, heading up behind the prison and deciding I was going to do the further one, the one with all the potholes and mud. It turns out that the hill doesn't stop when you get onto the cut, that the path is still rising. Bloody hills. But I didn't stop and now I feel very pleased with myself.

Perhaps I will start doing a bit more? Maybe? yes no?

Definitely continue with the classes as I've paid a year in advance for them (far, far cheaper than pay as you go - but there is an element of commitment)

Stats are a little underwhelming other than the undeniable fact that I broke the 5k mark

Yay!!!!!

5.15km

7m 5s per km

Sympathy For The Devil

 Only because it was the song I was listening to as I finished my run. It was on the Halloween playlist. And I think it goes on my Desert Island Discs playlist along with Heroes. 

So that's a roundabout way of saying I've been for a run - nearly 2 months after the last one. But it was a run. It's been tanking down on and off for the last couple of weeks so I nipped out between showers. Which means I didn't go very first thing to get it over and done with like I normally do. And I'm so glad I did.

My nudge was to put my sports bra on first thing rather than having to change into it before I went out - I hate putting the damn things on so it kind of removed that very minor hurdle.

And I didn't walk. I was so tempted as I am semi-fasting (nothing for the last 16 hours - the clocks went back last night so there is an extra hour to take into account. So well done me. 

4.72 km

6m 42 per km.

so not bad stats for me.

Plus I was in my new shoes and didn't get very painful knees (there was a bit of complaining but nothing debilitating) and my feet were ok (I have stiff arches I think - something to work on) 

So I guess I'm feeling positive about this. I've resigned from my gym (cost, don't go) so I can't allow sloth to take over. I've been to a few random classes at the sports centre so I must keep those up for strength but running would fill the aerobic gap. 

Basically I am well pleased with myself.

unfit: official_2

Well if I thought I struggled last time, I was so much worse this morning. A short, mostly flat run, and I walked several times. I know you need to go through this in order to get fit, but it makes life feel unfair.

OK - there has been a bit of wine and a lot of food over the last couple of days which doesn't help, and I am in the denial stage of wanting to lose weight and get fitter, so I'm not helping myself much.

And then there is my right knee. Is it trying to tell me to stop running? It hurts but not all the time and doesn't ache when I stop. I think it's the over-extending thing again - perhaps a brace would make a difference? Thing is, I don't want to fork out for one if it's not going to help. (Actually, they're not that expensive...) 

4.16km

7min 5s per km - well, there was a lot of walking... 

I know it's better than loafing on the sofa (of which I have done a lot) Perhaps I could do the strengthening exercises the physio told me to do all those months ago - I might not be in this state now if I had persevered. It was no quick fix though and I'm afraid perseverance is not a strong point with me...  'Sow', 'reap' spring to mind

Unfit: official

Well - it's been a long time but I have run out of reasons not to: my Achilles and calfs* are fine, the weather is lovely and I'm getting fatter. 

So I wore my old shoes - the ones I dissed for being worn out and causing foot pain as all the cushioning was flattened - and, well, they were fine. A bit flat but my lower legs were unproblematic.

But my right knee. Argh. It was hurting quite a lot and I think the issue is I over straighten my leg - if I'm more conscious of doing the basic cycling movement which Malcolm Balk taught all those years ago, there isn't a problem. But I've been conscientious about stretching my hamstrings and I might have opened up the back of my knee a nit too much. It also hurts if I do a plank and straighten my leg too far.  So it's something I need to address. I could go down the route of a brace, but that's a bit overkill I think. I need to be aware of it and not overstretch is all. 

It was a short run as I'm hopelessly unfit. but I could see myself doing the same again tomorrow and perhaps once more on Friday then think about upping the distance next week. Get me with my fitness plan despite the pain from my knee and the possibility of wearing the other shoes and getting back on the Achilles treadmill. 

So what would make a difference to my commitment? 

1. knee issues - look up the issue and see how I can improve on it

2. old-fashioned cushioned shoes rather than the semi-off road ones. In truth I got those cos I prefer the look of them. I can look up the ones I have and buy a replacement cheaper online. But only after I've done a few more runs 

3. headphones I don't need to bobby pin into my hair to stop them from falling off. Scout Amazon for cheap alternatives 

3.46km

7min 01s per km

Terribly slow, but also a major achievement. 

Well done me  < patronising pat on head >

*calves? makes me think of baby cows

Annoying

I've been planning to up the number of runs I do, gradually increasing the distance as I get fitter. A modest ambition by any standards. And as of the previous run, it seemed to be going well. (Not that one run can really be a sign of progress, but it's a start) 

And so with high hopes I left home this morning thinking I'd do the same route, perhaps adding on a little loop around the prison.

It was going so well, knees mainly  OK, feet acceptable, lungs protesting but holding up.

But my pigging calf. Again, it feels like it's taken a kicking, it was getting worse so I cut it short and came home. I've stretched the thing, strengthened the thing (this is as well as doing stretches before I left), and yet here I am again, aching and knowing I"m going to have to wait for it to calm down before I can even think about heading out on my mission again.

I could accept the cost of a physio, like the lovely one at Moti, and see what I can do to get over it as I do believe I can do the running but not at the cost of my calf. I can't even tell if it's the muscle or the Achilles - feels a bit too high for the Achilles but I guess it is quite a long thing. 

So - how much do I want to keep running and how much am I willing to pay for it? Or do I google the rest of today and work out a plan which may make it worse. 

grr. 

3.15km

6min 50 per km 

Can't do hills

I was doing so well I thought I'd do a slightly longer loop which involved a 100m or so of a gentle incline. I made it past a recycling truck and onto one of the cut-throughs near the allotments. But by the time I was away from public view, I just had to walk for a bit. 50 paces. I counted them and set off again. After that, I was home and dry. Well, dripping with sweat. It's the start of a few days of a heatwave so I was out and back by 720. Don't really like the heat, not when it's almost 30 degrees.

But well done me, right?

Niggles: surprisingly (and reassuringly) my left calf/Achilles were ok. My right knee was painful for a bit but got better.  My left hip - which I think was has always been a slight issue, even going back as far as the half  marathon (2006, still feel proud of having done it!) 

But generally, I survived. I'm away for 2 weeks after the end of next week so if I can actually do 3 runs before then I will consider taking my kit and going for runs when I"m there. Except people will want to run with me and that feels too stressful. 

4.96km

6m 53 per km 

Slow, but so what.

Almost pain free. Yay!

In many ways, it was a reassuring run: very short as I was pretty much out of breath because I've got so unfit over the past year.

Left leg niggles were OK- Achilles and calf behaved which was a relief. My right knee hurt a bit, a little bit stabby like it gets on the stairs, but I honestly don't believe that it's damaging it, rather, it's an inflammation that comes and goes. Paracetamol should sort that out. 

So there is it - perhaps it's the beginning of my plan to get back to running. Did I enjoy it? I'm kind of neutral about it - certainly not evangelical; in truth, I find those people intensely annoying. So what should my attitude be? Stoical? It's a practical solution to an ongoing issue - it's free (until I get new shoes and a loose top to cover up the joggling flab0. But I can do it anywhere, whenever and that's why it needs to be part of my life. 

3.14km

6m 47s per km

Not impressive in terms of physical performance but psychologically it was a triumph. 

Something new to concern me

It was OK getting out there today - the weather is perfect; cold and sunny - so it was with great gusto I left the house.

There was no Achilles pain, knees were holding up and the breathlessness I put down to doing 2 days of 800 calories on the fast800 diet (I have finally admitted to myself that weight loss requires effort and application, not hoping for the best and relying on denial of calorific value of wine/cheese/chocolate/buttered toast...)

But then the new niggle arrived. My left calf has kind of seized up - it's very painful and made worse by running on it, of course. So I kind of walked most of the way back, cutting it very short and feeling hacked off as I'd promised myself I'd do more short runs  (even slow ones) in the future and building up my fitness like that. 

Very disappointed. 

Would different shoes help? More supportive ones? I mean, the new ones I got were based more on looks than whether they would sort my various issues. So I have to decide: do I take the risk of spending the best part of £100 on new shoes which may not make any difference? I don't think I had the same issues of knees, Achilles, hips, etc with previous shoes - just the issue of fatty motivation...

3.19km

7m 11s per km.

Rain, Pain and my achilles. Again.

I shouldn't have crowed too soon. 

This morning it started raining about 5 mins after I left - I would not have run if it had already started, so that's a bonus. Kind of. 

My knees hurt a lot more this morning, but they're OK if I concentrate on being strong, not allowing them to turn in even a fraction - but it's slightly worrying. I think being back at the gym is a very positive thing in that respect: the exercises there are pretty much what the physio gave me, but with the weights and the machines it's easier to focus on the effects they're having

I decided to find a 5k route which meant a longer trek up to a favourite cut-through (I know, who has a favourite cut-through...) I was thinking how horrible being out of breath is and how wonderful it would be to walk for a while. But that's where the magic happens, right? That's where improvement lies, where fitness flourishes. So I kept running, knowing that once I hit the level it would be fine. It was; how nice.

But oh my god - my Achilles. Again. It was a little achy at first but now it's stiff and hurty and I think (fear) it's going to be as bad as it was before. Just when I thought I was over it. Just when I thought I could actually get back into this running thing. 

So - do I risk getting a different pair of shoes, ones that are more cushioned, more supportive? It's another £100 or so which, as a newly unemployed person, I don't want to spend. Not with a sick cat's operation to pay for this week... Not with no guarantee they would solve the issue... 

4.94km (sooo close to a 5k!)

6 min 38 per km (I blame to slog up the hill)