What does this mean?

 It was ok. The hills didn't hurt, my lungs weren't screaming in protest, my calfs behaved. What the hell? 

It was lovely and cold and calm, I had my snood scarf thing around my ears like a proper runner, so that all helped. But I could have challenged myself a bit more and included the loop behind Tesco's. (Such a glamourous route) but I had the choice of not doing it so I didn't. And that, dear reader, is why I will never really improve.

Next time though... 

3.35km

7m 06s per km

I think the reason it felt OK was that I was going so slowly... That doesn't matter, though, does it? It's the getting out there and running which is the important part... 

Does it ever get easier?

What is it with fitness? I mean, I feel unfit, but in theory, the more I do the fitter I'll get, right? Or is it that if I put in the same effort, I'll go further, faster? What I do know is that fitness wears off and I am pretty much back where I started.

So this morning, I went a tiny bit further than last time and I didn't stop on the hills despite my lungs screaming at me to have a rest. So I feel good about myself for doing that. But it's the feeling of misery, of having to push myself which puts me off heading out. I see people running who seem to be enjoying it - does that mean they're not trying very hard - or, and this is the killer - are they enjoying the misery?

Is there even a thing as a 'runner's high' other than that glorious moment when you get home and take your shoes off?

3.36km

6m 46s per km

Just going out there and doing it

I have run every day this month, so well done me. 

Not funny, not really. 

2.83km

6m 57 per km

I mean, it's a tiny improvement on last time - but if I go one better every time I go out, I will be back to 5k in no time. Is that what I want? Or is it to simply keep going and stave off old age for as long as possible? 

Either works for me 

What's holding me back other than the fear of injury, is being overweight again and people laughing at my red face. So I could go out earlier and avoid the school run? Or is the truth more like no one gives a flying damn what I look like, they don't care that I'm a risible figure, or - most likely of all - they won't give me a moment's notice and why should they.  Although I do confess to being slightly judgemental when I see other runners, not so much in a derogatory way, more like I admire them for being out there and doing it.  Which is what I'm doing.

Motivation Follows Action

Literally this is the first run I've done since the last one.

1.97km

6m 55s per km

Going by the numbers, almost embarrassingly insignificant: going by my actually going out and doing it - a massive triumph, thank you. Well done me.

There were no significant hurties either - unless you count my screaming lungs while running up a gentle slope. I'm basically unfit, but by building up on these short runs that will change. I felt I could have gone further towards the end (on the flat) but in my head, I'd mapped the run and therefore I was at the end. That's another thing your mindset can do. I don't take actual pleasure in running (wish I did) but it's like a class, when you know it's coming to an end there isn't the uncomfortable option of taking it further. 

So, there it is. When I start doing 5km 3 times a week will I continue reviewing them? 

Perhaps I will just wait and see...

listened to: BBC Radio 6 Music

Jury's out...

 But I did get out there, go for a run, and am not in pain... 

I set myself a short circuit and managed to exceed it by, oh, 50m so well done me 

What I discovered: I am carrying too much weight for my muscles to cope with. I am unfit even though I've been walking or doing a class almost every day for the past couple of years, since lockdown, but obviously it's not enough to really keep fit (if I define being fit as being able to run for 5 km without dying...) 

2.36km

7m 10 per km. 

So, very slow and very short - but ffs I am coming from a position of being overweight, unfit, slightly depressed etc etc. The actual important thing here is to keep going, to keep motivated. Keep strengthening calves and loosening my Achilles. 

If I have something to aim for, would that actually help or would I see it as a failure if I don't actually achieve this? And if I do - what then? After the 1/2 marathon I kind of retired cos I didn't need to do it again. 

Psychology is the greatest weapon 

Who knew?

 Everyone apparently... 

This morning I had a severe case of anxiety. It happens from time to time and it's horrible. I find it very hard to get over - my usual distraction techniques weren't working and the stress was rising... But I had a Body Balance session booked and although I really did not want to go (it makes me very angry for all sorts of reasons) I did drag myself up there and did the session. It was fine. There was no anger because I kind of knew what was going on and I didn't need to rely on the indecipherable instructions quite so much. 

So that was a positive. But then I went on the treadmill. I'd promised I would give it a go, just a mile, just to see if my Achilles were up to it. The Body Balance class concentrates on stretching as much as anything so I reckoned that should be an excellent warm-up for a run. 

It was. I did a whopping 1.6 km and felt unfit, but no aching Achilles. Yay. My right foot was aching but I think that's due to it being badly used what with the big toe issue. 

So what is it that everyone knows? That exercise is a brilliant antidote to stress and anxiety. I think I did know that but lacked the gumption to make it happen for me. That's what's good about booking classes: you get fined £4 if you don't turn up. 

So that's my news. Nothing exciting, or game-changing. Apart from the possibility that I may - just may - be able to pick up the running again.

World record

 It was officially the shortest run ever undertaken in the history of (m) short runs. 

The context: I'd booked a class at the leisure centre but got the time wrong so I missed it. I could have cycled around the downs instead, but I decided to go for a short run. Just to see how I got on. I've been having serious issues with my big toe joint (hallux rigidus) where the bony growths are becoming an excruciatingly painful nuisance. Gross, I know. And I think that's what's been making my Achilles ache even without running. So going for a run was a bit of a risk.

But - the main issue was how unfit I've got. I was out of breath, feeling like I was made of lead before I got to the end of the road. 

But I continued on my record-breaking short run 

1.14km

6m 55s per km

So well done me, right

There is a thought in my head that I could do this run every day to build up to something a bit more worthwhile. The cons are the risks with my Achilles - the pros, however, are that I could build up to a 5k regular run.... Or a 10-minute run... 

angry and disappointed

 3.48km 

7m 8s per km

That was the first bit of the run. I stopped to stretch my right Achilles and managed to stop the mapmyrun thing. But my flipping Achilles. I am so angry and disappointed. It's not hurting too much but there is an issue with it - very low down which might be a different place from before. Don't know if that is significant. But it's there and it's something that will stop me running.

How long can I keep up this misguided belief that at some level I can run? Almost every time I go out there is an issue. I have to get over my body-consciousness issues to even get me out of the door, which is an incentive to keep me running rather than giving up and walking and looking like an even greater loser. An overweight, middle-aged, delusional loser.

So I started the app again and mostly walked home, at times running normally on my left leg and heel-striking on my right to protect my Achilles. What was that about not wanting to look like a loser?

1.41km

8m 48 per km

What do I do? 

Peaked too soon?

So - I was confident setting out this morning and it was mostly fine. Until about a mile from home, my left calf began to ache. It's pretty much ok - but it's one of those niggles which make me wary of running. I'll stretch and strengthen the thing and hopefully next time it won't hurt.

I tried on my Nike shorts this morning and wondered whatever possessed me to buy them - they are so ugly - or is that just my legs?

Otherwise, unremarkable. But in truth the less drama the better... 

Listening to American Scandal about the unabomber. 

4.98km

6m 52s per km.

Slower - but I went very slowly after about 1/2 way, just cos I was a little hungover and not very fit...

Better

Well, there I went. It was mostly OK but the urge to walk was (almost) overwhelming. I did slow down to a barely-a-jog pace - but oddly I was about to walk when I saw another runner coming towards me and that was enough for me to keep going. So, thank you, mystery jogger.

Consequences: tinnitus - this happens when I do exercise. It's horrible and there is nothing I can do about it.

Knees - perfectly fine

Calves and Achilles - perfectly fine

Lungs - a-bursting

Legs - tired but functional

Lessons learned - I reckon the problems I've had have come from lack of glute and hamstring strength - but also because I run without using my core. So - if I run with my core engaged, everything feels a whole lot better. So, I'll do that. It's harder work though. Get over it. 

4.66km

6min 38secs per km

I am staggered by that pace. The last time I went it was 7min 05" and before that 6 min 58. So - is this actual proof that I can do this? Could I ever get to 5km without keeling over? I shall have to find another 1/2 km to add on and go for it.

The other route through the allotments (much hillier) is about the same distance - going around the downs is over 6km but I have to cycle up there. Or drive. But I don't have a car. I'm getting ahead of myself. 

I didn't walk

 4.21 km

7m 05s/km

Well, I got out there and I didn't walk at all, which is good. However, my left calf is quite painful. I guess it's an overwork thing rather than anything nasty but it's annoyed me greatly as I really hoped I could get over myself and back into regular running. My feet also hurt - possibly because I tied my shoes too tight, I don't know - and it might be a while before I can try them again. 

So, some rollering, perhaps paracetamol and hopefully it will just be passing a pain.

At least my knees are more or less cured - the rolling prescribed by the osteopath has done the trick. There is an occasional twinge but really the agonising pain causing me to groan, to crawl upstairs is pretty much gone. Yay!

Gregorian Chant

It's been a long time coming - but it's done! 

I've been rollering my knees, guided by my lovely osteopath Mala - and they don't hurt anymore. I can go up and down stairs without wincing, without launching myself from the top, without seriously wondering if they need replacing. It's agony, rollering. The sweet spots are where it hurts the most and you go to town on them. But it works. One thing which has been instrumental to getting them in such a bad state had been the 1000s of miles of cycling like a girl. I mean, as a woman you want to cycle with your knees as close as possible, not flying out to the side like a bloke. But it stresses your knees. So now I cycle like a bloke. Eesh. 

Anyway, though - my right knee did hurt - I think I over-extended and caused a twinge which is still there now I've stopped, but it's a different pain so I think it will be OK. I will roll it in a mo. 

My calves were a bit hurty as well but just through tiredness, I think. And no Achilles drama.

I literally have no excuses left anymore.

4.36 km

6 min 58" per km

Very slow - but I don't care. There were a couple of times I was desperate to walk but I just ran at the speed of walking so I could say I ran the whole way round. It's all in the mind, right? 

And the title? They (whoever they are) say to run at the speed of chat. I was running at the speed of a gregorian chant. 

Punishment run

Sounds a bit melodramatic I know, but I've been in such a bad place recently. Overeating, too much wine, too little exercise and so on. I've put on weight and I feel weak and, frankly, old. 

So this morning I was working out if I should go for my traditional walk, or walk into work later, when my sensible brain kicked and made me go for a run, no excuses. 

And so out I popped and ran.

There was a time just over 1/2 way through, after all the hills had been conquered (they're very gentle hills but feel like mountains, what with the extra weight I'm carrying and the lack of puff) when I needed to walk. My lungs were straining, even if my legs felt OK. But I told myself it was punishment, that it wouldn't last forever, that I'd feel so very good for having run all the want. And I was right. It was awful.

4.42km

6m 48 per km

It's been a long time coming

It's a psychological thing in many ways. Because I haven't been for a run for a long time, I assume it will be horrible and that I'll suffer. Well of course it was, up to a point, but not as bad as I feared. And it's that fear which makes me put it off.

It's a beautiful morning - I mean, proper blue sky and birds singing, daffodils about to flower. All good. 

So where was the pain? Knees - no pain. Hips - a twinge at the end, no more. Calves - springy and strong. Achilles - doing their job. Feet - well they ached a lot. I guess they haven't been put to such use for such a long time.

It feels like all my recent efforts have been paying off. I've been rollering my inner and outer thighs which I think is helping my knees. Plus I periodically stretch and strengthen my calves and I believe that's helped my achilles. 

But hey - I feel triumphant. The danger is that now I've done a run I will treat the effects as permanent and I won't have to keep the benefit topped up. 

I did the route I normally do on my walks so there was a lot of uphill at the start but even that was more ok than I had thought it would be.

So, suffice it to say, I feel good about it and am self-aware enough to know I have to keep going if I am going to get any long-term benefit and to tell people I am a runner... 

4.1m

6m 57 per km