Dear blog

I haven't run since Tuesday, partly cos my ankles have started to ache (they're getting better now)

I just don't feel up to it

My over-riding feeling about this 1/2 marathon is anger - I am so cross with myself for entering it. I'm not looking forward to it in the slightest (other than finishing, if I get that far)
It's meant I've had to run long distances which frankly isn't the best way to train - there should be some cross-training and fast runs and so on but I've done nothing like that (I do cycle or walk to work but once there I'm sitting on my fat bum all day)

What was I thinking? I was watching the London Marathon and believing it's simply a case of not stopping, of just running easily until the finish line. None of the pain of training, the days of feeling stiff and tired, or blistered and chafed. There is nothing to recommend that side of things. Nothing.
I have a plaster wrapped round my little toe where it's blistered, I have raw patches round my waist and on my legs from where my trousers have rubbed. My back aches. What's to like?

Perhaps if I'd put myself up for sponsorship I would feel more motivated, but the main motivation was to get me out doing exercise, losing weight and feeling better. I am fatter now than back in April and I feel lousy.

I know this is all my problem, there is no one else to blame.

I still have to make the decision whether to do the run or not. I'd feel guilty if I didn't cos there are lots of people who would like to have entered (they could have my racechip) but I also have to consider the possible cost of doing it - apart from all the physical pain, if I fail to finish the damn thing (or even, if I'm honest, if I walked part of the way) I will be disproportionately devastated; I will feel I've let myself down and I am useless. All very dramatic but I know there will be a high pric to pay for failure.

Now I sound like a Bond villain.