Why do I run?

I have been putting this off for 3 days now. this morning was my last chance before Thursday to go out as I can't force myself to go of an evening. So I put the kit out the night before. Good Plan.
Although I lay bed in for 2 hours after I woke - partly cos I knew the first thing I'd be doing was going for a run.

So I got dressed and hesitated, trying to remember some of the reasons I run:

To counteract depression
To keep relatively fit
Bragging rights over people who don't run.
It is part of the minimum amount of exercise any sane person should be doing if they can
Delaying the worst effects of ageing

And so on

But then those lovey reasons are so easily burned:
running counteracts depression only for the time I'm out running.
I am not fit and getting less fit as I get older - it gets increasingly hard to stay at the same level
Most people I know who run will run further and faster than me
It is really the minimum amount I need to be doing - most of the time I'm sat at a desk or on the sofa which is the new smoking apparently
Being overweight is the worst thing for running - and I have regained a stone over the last 2 years.

So before I even stepped out of the door, I was in tears wondering why the hell I was doing this - it's so pointless. Nothing I do counts for anything. I count for nothing.

How I got out he door I don't know - but I only got as far as the end of the road before I turned around and came back. I was in a crisis - what was I doing? What is the point of my meaningless life? Everything - just plain old living - has become such a burden recently.

It was the hardest thing I've done to turn around and go for the run. Perhaps the feeling of abject failure kept my little fat legs in motion. For about 40 mins. Which is OK.

Did it cure the depression? It got me through that mini-crisis I guess.

But I"m now back home; same old me, same old ugly face in the mirror now with added blotchy redness.

It's not a good day.

Is it just me?

Or are the hills actually getting steeper? I did the run around St Werbergh's farm and found I ran out of strength heading up the railway path. I had to walk, it was horrible. I felt like I was just a bag of flab. Not a nice image. I did get going again though and decided I wasn't going to do the full run along Kellaway Avenue, and I think I did ok after that. I went over 3 episodes of the Book at Bedtime (Orlando by Virginia Woolf - I'm enjoying it) so that's 45 mins. (it wasn't)

And I am very glad I did put myself through it

The reasons/excuses - I am still overweight - I lost a couple of pounds but have eaten like an idiot since and had the best part of a bottle of wine last night - so that's the immediate reason. So I simply have to stop doing that and running will no longer be quite such an ordeal.

My toenail is almost off. That will be a relief cos I keep worrying it might rip. Another image hard to unsee...

3.8 miles
10m 41 pace.

Not exactly inspiring - or looking at it another way - well done me for dragging my carcass out for a run despite everything

The First Step

The first step is the hardest, right, but what if there is another way of looking at it? The first step is a huge achievement - a triumph, if you will, over inertia, over doubt, over laziness.
It's ticking off the first little thing on your to-do list: this morning it was to charge my Kindle.
It's taking the literal first step out the door for a run.
It's having the healthy option, passing on the pudding - the first step towards losing the next lb.

So I went for a run: the first step along today's road of self-improvement.

And the first step is the action, which we all know, leads to motivation.

Today's run: on one hand it was terrible - on the other, it was a triumph.
It's been snowy and what's left is icy patches, quite lethal in places but there's space to jog along the road or the sunny side of the street. It meant running very slowly and carefully. Also, I am so overweight again I was struggling: at the 1/2 way mark I have to slow down - but there's nothing wrong with that. I have to fight the compulsion to compare myself with other people (positively as well as negatively - we are all separate beings, there is no fair comparison)
On the triumphant side; I went for a run; I slowed down in order to keep going and I felt a lot better at that point (it was the first step along the path of finishing a run); the weather is glorious and sunshine is a powerful boost to my mood. Ok, my eyes and nose were running which was a bit annoying but it was very minor.

4.68 miles (far far further than I thought I ran - another triumph, thank you)
10m 45s pace - the slowest for a long, long time - a combination of carrying too much weight and tiptoeing around the ice sheets...